I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual

Quote of the week has to go to the Charlie Harper Character from Two and A Half Men:
Alan: "I've Tevo-ed glee Glee. It’s Wang Chung week!"
Charlie "Oh Alan, why don't you just put on a pair of assless chaps,and get it over."
Alan: "I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual."
Charlie: "That's just a gay man that can't get laid."

Dentistry to the Office Worker

A former Massachusetts dentist has been charged after using paper clips instead of expensive stainless steel posts on root canal patients. In related stories doctors have been using large bits of timber to administer anesthetics and airlines in a cost cutting move have been using LSD to give patrons a traveling experience.

Lost in Translation

Reports out of the United States of America indicate that former President George W Bush is still working on his autobiography, with a book likely to be published in 2011.

It is hoped that it will eventually be translated into English.

Phil Spector is not very...!

The most poorly scripted phrase in journalism history today greeted readers of major newspapers in the USA. 'Phil Spector Is Appealing'.

Crime Fulfilling

Thieves apparently broke into an Eli Lilly warehouse in Connecticut and stole over $70 million worth of anti-depressants. It is believed that when the thieves are found they will be content.

The Top 10 Reason to Take Tomorrow Off Work

10 My eye bags are particularly offensive this morning.
9 I have coffee breath and dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.
8 I have highly contagious explosive diarrhea.
7 I can Facebook and Twitter from home now.
6 My iPhone applications can cover me for a day
5 Office email porn is slowing the network down.............this gives me motion sickness.
4 I need to get the qualifications I lied about on my resume.
3 My little iPhone is ill.
2 My real life doesn't involve group urination.

and the number 1 reason that I need to take tomorrow off work.......

my 5 Minute Abs machine is taking longer than previously thought

Brodie Panlock

This week we have all been disgusted to hear of the death of a young lady, killed by a pack of dogs, not in wild but at work.

Brodie Panlock was a happy healthy 19 year old, excited about shifting into her own place, her first job and saving up to travel with her brother. Then what probably started as a good humoured ribbing of a new employee turned into vicious torture by the people who should have been her protectors.

Over the months Brodie was employed at Cafe Vamp in Hawthorn, she suffered a constant series of bloody animalistic attacks. Unable to leave as she felt a growing need for approval from the lead tormentor, her boss. This abusive work relationship extended over into her home life giving her little chance of relief.

Tired, cornered and having sustained much abuse Brodie Panlock threw herself from a building and died.

Today four men responsible for the relentless abuse of the teenager, cafe owner Marc Luis Da Cruz, 43, manager Nicholas Smallwood, 26, Rhys MacAlpine, 28, and Gabriel Toomey, 23 pleaded guilty "to failing to take reasonable care for the health and safety of persons" and were fined a total of $115,000. In addition MAP Foundation Pty Ltd, the company that ran Cafe Vamp, was subsequently found guilty and fined a further $220,000 in the Melbourne Magistrates Court.

The charges were issued by WorkSafe Victoria

Take a Penny Leave a Penny

We were told this week of the sad ending of a missing person search, with the news that that the missing millionaire had been murdered.

Herman Rockefeller died after a fight broke out when he turned up at a swinger's house without his wife. Apparently he was hoping the other couple would not notice that he had no partner with him.

It would appear however that the 'Swinger Scene' works on a similar concept as a library or the take a penny, leave a penny bowl at the corner shop. On discovering that Herman was hoping to just 'borrow' the guys partner he was beaten, killed, dismembered, burnt and buried.

I no longer think that the return policy of the local library is harsh.

The First Emo?

I saw a Emo today that looked like a 15 year old Hitler.

Well a Hitler wearing an Ipod and listening to depressing music.

Then I started wondering..... "Was Hitler the first Emo?"
Anti-social, depressed, suicidal...hated more than he liked and of course a stupid haircut.

Climate Change Policy Time to Choose

I am not a climate change skeptic, nor am I an alarmist. I read a lot on climate change and the resulting economics of carbon release both on economy of today and the Australia of the future.

What is definite is that The Labor Party's environmental policy designed to put Australia in a global leadership position on the world stage will cause enormous pain for all Australians without having a measureable effect on global climate change.

You see there are a lot of obstacles to Australia saving the world from climate change. We are a mere 3% of the global population and whilst it would be wonderful for us to take a leadership role we are simply going to go through great financial pain while heading in a direction which may well be at odds with the greater global community.

Climate change will be reversed through improvements in technology and practices not through adopting costs prior to world's major economies ratify reduction targets.

A tax on 3% of the globes populations, the direction the Gillard Government is keen to take us is the disastorous direction. Almost similar to the 80's Sony Betamax, ".... hey we got there first but the world figured another solution cheaper and more popular."
The Coalition Policy appears to be a staged approach to climate change based on incentives to change behavior rather than the indescriminate damage of The Labor government which will have a great financial cost today, without recognising our need to follow the major global emmitters of greehouse gases.

South Australia Internet Censorship

In what can only be seen as a draconian law, South Australia has become one of the few states in the world to censor the Internet.

The new law will see South Australia joining a group of countries including Iran, China and North Korea in attacking the fundamental tenements of free speech. Additionally when viewed along side the Australian Federal Governments Internet filtering policy Australia is now a country that has a flexible approach to basic freedoms.

Since its origin the Internet has quickly developed as the greatest bastion and protector of freedom and democracy that has ever been known. Australia is now eroding that freedom.

The law, which came into force on January 6, requires anyone making an online comment about next month's state election to publish their real name and postcode. The protection from fear and intimidation provided by anonymous comment is fundamental in allowing whistle blowers, the weak and oppressed to provide commentary without the fear of reprisal. In this one move Australia has taken a very dangerous step away from free political comment.

Flew Virgin Blue .......No longer Virgin.

As Hotgirl and I prepare to travel my memories of a previous flight come flooding back.

I was excited to make a change, to travel Virgin Blue.

It felt good, I've seen the ads, everyone smiling and happy and the hostesses ranging from "cute" to "particularly do-able" smiling and waving at the passengers as they disembark from what appears to be a lovely nap while they traveled...
Sitting beside a solid looking fella I was left with little choice to lean forward for 5 hours as the "snug seating" didn't allow both of our shoulders to fit side by side.

Something happened to me on that flight.....I exited feeling different and a little damaged.

24's Jack Bauer

Jack, when are you going to spend 15 minutes going through the weeks mail on the toilet, followed by 45 minutes of sitting on the couch with a beer, playing with your belly button, whilst flicking to find something better?

From the reviewer "in a highly anticipated episode Jack, becomes a man"

Am I Old Enough to smoke?

So in Perth sixteen year old kids are not mature enough to buy cigarettes but they can consent to straight or gay sex with a person no matter how old. Basically a 16 year old can go out to a party on the weekend get drunk and pick up or be picked up by a 40 year old and that's pretty much fine..

Hmmm so a sixteen year old can go out get some drunken strange, but in the morning they can't roll over and have a smoke.....because that would be a bad decision....

British, Scientist, Tim

I find myself having to question the results of a British scientific study.

British scientists conducting a study have found that the mysterious G-spot, the sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others, may not exist at all.

The King’s College scientists in London who carried out the study claim there is no evidence for the existence of the G-spot, supposedly a cluster of internal nerve endings "outside the imagination of women influenced by magazines and sex therapists."

They reached their conclusions after a survey of more than 1,800 British women.

"Women may argue that having a G-spot is due to diet or exercise, but in fact it is virtually impossible to find real traits," said Tim Spector, professor of genetic epidemiology, who co-authored the research.

All that this study tell us is that a British Scientist called "Tim" can't find the "G-spot" quite frankly I could have told you the results after hearing British, Scientist and Tim.

.....and in other news drinking beer does not improve your driving.....

Why an iPhone is Better Than a Child

10 An iPhone costs $50 a month and you can upgrade every year.
9 If you have 2 iPhones in a room, you don't "have" to race them.
8 If your iPhone falls in the toilet put a new jacket on it and you
can like it again.
7 You can “Mute” your iPhone.
6 Your iPhone responds to simple finger movements.
5 An iPhone doesn't cause your mate to brag "the government
paid me $3k for doing it".
4 Your iPhone won’t roam without your permission.
3 Your iPhone comes in a pretty box.
2 You can shake your iPhone.

And the number one reason why an iPhone is better than a child is...

1 If your phone is acting weird you can reset it....easily.

I've Won Lotto...

When did lotto winners start to suck so much? Back in the 90's if someone won lotto they changed their life.....Now its "I've won lotto, but I won't let it change me". I'm here to tell you you're an idiot and you are ruining it for everyone.

If you have a crappy lifestyle, you let it change you. Instead its all "....so I will keep working in the asbestos mine and living in the damp trailer".

Cool do that, next year when you die the money will go to your kids that hate you. Snappers!

Meanwhile I've just won $23.55 and I'm deciding whether to go the lump sum or to take it over 20 years.

Koala Spree Killer?

In what will become an incident of international disgrace, reports are appearing online of another sickening Koala shooting.

This one has seen a execution style killing of the furry little creature. Whilst likely that there is no connection it has also been noted that the timing of the killing also marks the third season of Underbelly an underworld drama set in Melbourne.

Another commentator has speculated that the violence aimed at Indian immigrants has now been extended to Koalas.

Horse, Koala, Baby Koala.......Bogan Spawn.

In an update to yesterday's poignant article "Who Would Shoot a F@#%'n Koala Bear" it has now been reported that the baby Koala's mother has also been shot along with a horse on the property.

Obviously the horse being shot is understandable....horses are renowned for being evil, haven't gotten over being ridden and they aren't small and fluffy.

So how do we find the offenders? This would appear to be the work of Bogans and their spawn that are particularly active and unsupervised at this time of the year as visitation rights overlap with seasonal drunken scruffing.

Bogan (Spawn) - Species Characteristics

Marking Ritual
Bogan Spawn are characterised by the way they Mark their Territory, otherwise known as "shitting in their own nest". They achieve this stereotypical behavior by graffitiing their block, scratching their names in wet concrete, wrecking rental properties and by leaving tyre marks from their driveway to as far down the road as possible.
Mating Rituals
In a species unique characteristic their marking ritual is unusual in that it also acts as their Mating Ritual.
Terrortorial
Bogan Spawn are particularly terrortorial preferring to socialise and participate in mating and marking rituals within a block, more likely 3 houses of their "regular" habitat.
Habitat
Bogan Spawn may have as many as 5 regular habitats and these will likely include; Mothers House, Father's House, Custodial Adult (Usually Grand Parent), MacDonald's / Hungry Jacks Car Park, Skate Park,
Colouring
Primarily dark colouring, though the female may wear a portion of pink during their pre-legal drinking mating years.
Hunting and Gathering
Primarily carried out on Thursday's, on what is know as "Rock'n Roll Day" (Dole) in their dialect.

It is therefor very likely that a short distance from the site of the shooting there is a Bogan litter, waiting for their mum's Social Security payment to arrive so they can get more slugs for their air rifle.

Who Shoots a f@#%'n Koala Bear?

News out of Queensland today that young koala bear has been shot twice with an air rifle.
This from The Sunshine Coast Daily
"Moreton Bay Koala Rescue president Annika Lehmann said the young male koala, estimated to be about eight or nine months old, had been taken to Australia Zoo for treatment.

The 940-gram koala, which had been named "Doug", was in an induced coma."

Well I guess it was only a matter of time, those baby koalas are evil.

So what exactly are the top ten excuses for shooting a f@#%'n Koala Bear?

10. I had no choice it was him or me.
9. He kept bumming my smokes.
8. It had been terrorizing our neighborhood for weeks.
7. I just couldn't listen to the theme tune from Titanic one more time.
6. He reminded me of my ex.
5. He had a shifty look.
4. It was self inflicted, to promote his new album.
3. He drives like a girl.
2. He kept using my razor

....and the number 1 excuse for shooting a f@#%'n Koala Bear?

1. I am a bogan surf nazi and the tourists have taken my break.

Snappers.

Admit It Smoking Is Just Cool!

I am starting to feel like I need to take up smoking. Sure in winter I will have to stand out in the rain to smoke....but let's face it smoking is cool. Smoking in the work place doubly cool. I don't care what anyone says. All the cool kids do it. You always see heroes in movies pause, have a long drag on a stylish brand of smokes and then save Earth from aliens, catch the killer or get the girl......given a bit of luck...all three,best of all as I live in Western Australia, which seems to be headed to some new era of prohibition....whilst I will be shunned for smoking, it would still feel more socially acceptable than drinking a craft beer at a pub after work each night.
Still this doesn't explain why smoking in the work place truly rocks..... You see if you are smoker you get up to another hour off work a day....."just ducking out for a smoke". What really compounds this for me is that not only do I work for an extra hour each day than the smoker but additionally the smoker gets to stand around just looking cool for an hour each day, blowing smoke rings and actually holding fire in their hand. In your basic social structure even an Alpha male can't compete with Joe Blow with fire.
In a fair world the sex addict would be able to say "just ducking off for a quick scruffing". The broker needing a pick me up would be able to inform the office "Well, blow break" and the aging drunk would say "time for my eye opener....back smelling of barley sugar in 5".
Sure, smoking will be invasive to those around me, particularly during my smoke ring learning curve, it will have a detrimental effect on my health and my hair, breath and clothes will all stink. When I go to bed without washing my hair my pillow will smell and ultimately Hotgirl will probably see this as the final straw and dump me.
When the relationship comes to end....I will still have smoking, indeed as everything else leaves my life I will be able to watch all of those pathetic non fire holding savages skulk away through a perfectly formed smoke ring.

We Love Indians......but Taxi Drivers?

Having worked in the hospitality industry for the last decade....or so..... I have developed a love / hate relationship with taxi drivers. Sure they have tended to get me home safely....eventually...but sound hmmm well that's a different thing.


I had the taxi driver that tried to get on the freeway by going up an off ramp, that definitely took years off my life. Then there was the taxi driver that swore black and blue that the picture on the dash was him......weird he being Asian and the taxi driver in the photo quite obviously Indian.


Then we had the taxi driver that knocked on my door at 2.30AM looking for the person that lived in the unit next door. Fair enough he didn't want the girl who kept weird hours and lots of "boyfriends" late for her "date".


Ahhh how could I forget the guy around a decade ago that admitted to smoking a joint to cure daytime boredom....I've caught a taxi home because I feared I wasn't safe to drive after a long lunch and the taxi driver appears to have smoked a joint the size of a bat.


Given that my experience with Indian people has always been wonderful I am left adding another grievance to my list of taxi complaints, I cant help but thinking that the Indians are getting beaten up and killed in N.S.W and Victoria because people assume they are taxi drivers.

iPhone 4G rumors

Less than 3 weeks into 2010 the rumors are flying out the door from Apple and several mobile operators about an "iPhone 4G" due for release as early as April. Whilst columnist and bloggers struggle to believe that Apple is ready to launch the 4th Generation of its iconic handset the caliber and diversity of the sources indicate that some 4 months from now the dedicated iPhone followers amongst us will be preparing to give their 3G a break a select which of the 90,000+ applications are necessary to navigate their 4G way through 2010.

With some 20 sources now being quoted I bring you these 2 which sum up the information available to date;

Korea Times quotes "high-ranking executives at KT" ( Apple's exclusive local partner in South Korea) as saying;

" the iPhone 4G will have an OLED screen, support video chat" and "have a removable battery"

It'll also reportedly have a "dual-core processor, more powerful graphics and an improved camera."

Then This from French Magazine 'Challenges' citing "French Mobile Operators"

"...the iPhone 4G* is coming in early May". The magazine cites "several industry sources"

The common theme from all sources of a story that is getting hotter and hotter is that the 4G iPhone is being rushed out early to quell rising interest in the Google Android Phone.

So.......where are the leaks coming from, well given that the information appears to be quite broadly distributed in a short period of time.....it can only be leaking from Apple and being released at the pace that it is supposed to be leaking.

So to any of the bloggers and columnists out there that believe they have a scoop, I say Apple is a professional machine, run by marketing whizzes and it has survived by being a step or two in front of monstrous competition they will tell us as they see fit and as always be ready to amaze us with new surprise features and a big slam dunk of Apple magic.

So what do you know about the iPhone 4G?