This From New Scientist

Male ROVE beetles resort to stinky tricks to boost their chances of reproductive success. Each injects a smelly chemical into the female it mates with, leaving her unattractive to rival males....

Amish Anger

wait for it... here comes proof that "in any culture there are jerk tough guys"

So in Ohio, three Amish men were arrested in connection with an incident in which a 74-year-old Amish man had his beard forcibly chopped off.

So you are thinking that that doesn't sound very pious? It is but one of a recent spate of attacks where beards and hair have been removed from men and women....(well we will assume that the women were okay with their beard removal) These attacks have occurred with Amish conforming very non electric gardening shears.

The alleged perpetrators are said to belong the Bergholz clan, a breakaway sect headed by a wacko Bishop Sam Mullet, who was shunned by the Amish community in 2007.

Cheating to a Better Relationship

Bones star creates new reason to cheat. David Boreanaz must be quite the silver tongued champion.

After being caught cheating on his pregnant wife he has given an interview "cheating on my wife made my marriage stronger....".

Hmmm I assume that his follow up performance will see him say something like..."well of course my wife has been ecstatic to learn that additionally I gave her a particularly serious STD as well." ... Always the trooper she recently confided in me that she "welcomed the health benefits" and had "found this to .... encouraged a helpful lift in her immune system"

Aussie Wins Tour De France, I fix Cycling

Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi! So what's his name won! Loved it, loved the finish, but on TV well .... it is a long race. Cycling needs something added to it to make it watchable.... like how baseball had all those over weight guys on steroids hitting home runs a few seasons back. Awesome to watch made better with the likelihood that their hearts were going to tear in two when they went to run the diamond.

I am not particularly making a comment on steroids, my opinion on steroids is .....meh... I am not for or against steroids, I am after a good fair, watchable game. I guess therefore my real policy on steroids in sport is no, unless everyone is on them... Like in school when the teacher would say "no eating lollies in class, unless you bring enough for everyone!".

But, I digress... cycling, how to make it watchable... well at a pinch I say get those old huge baseballers and their bats and throw them into the mix. You put a few of those guys bat in hand around a hair pin turn here and there and all of a sudden you have me and the wider beer drinking Joe Public watching 8 hours of cycling on pay-per-view.

Slaving all Day, Hope What's Her Name Knows it....

Okay bin out, recycling out, dishes done, cat fed, cat vet-ed (taken to the vet for check up after breaking her foot).....all in 1 hour 15 min.... Now to look like I have been slaving all day before what's her name comes home......

Anders Behring Breivik - Manifesto

Courtesy of a group internet activist’s mass-murderer Anders Behring Breivik internet legacy is gradually being obscured forever.
Before his insanity was horrifically demonstrated, the Norwegian killer published a 1500-page manifesto.
"I ask that you distribute this book to everyone you know," Breivik wrote.
However the group of online activists are doing just that though not in the way the killer hoped.
'Anonymous' has called on internet citizens to "destroy Breivik's legacy by republishing altered versions of the text which mock the author, and promote them as the real document."
"Anders Behring Breivik wants to use the cruel action of killing over 90 young people to promote his 1516-page manifesto," says a message posted online.

"Anonymous suggests:

"1. Find the manifesto of Anders Behring Breivik: '2083 - A European Declaration of Independence'.
"2. Change it, add stupid stuff, remove parts, shop his picture, do what you like to.
"3. Republish it everywhere and up vote releases from other people, declare that the faked ones are original.
"4. Let Anders become a joke, such that nobody will take him serious anymore.
"5. Spread this message around the internet and real life, translate it.
"6. Have a moment for the victims of his cruel attacks."

The note ends: "We all are anonymous, we all are Legion, We all do not forgive murder, and we all do not forget the victims."

Given the above...

Click on the following link to view, read and or download the original 1516 page manifesto of spree killer Anders Behring Breivik  http://oaks.nvg.org/ntales13.html#buttercup

Some of my Favorite Churchill Quotes....

1.  There is no such thing as a good tax.
2. We contend that for a nation to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
3. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last.
4. Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.” ....Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”
5. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
6. If you are going to go through hell, keep going.
7. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
8. If you have ten thousand regulations, you destroy all respect for the law.
9. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
10. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Monkey Attacks

Obviously for some time now, this blog and this blogger have been particularly renowned as being at the forefront of the important area of Monkey Attacking Humans commentary.
We continue in this proud endeavour by bringing this story to you from India.

Lucknow localities under simian siege
TNN Jul 18, 2011, 06.08am IST

LUCKNOW: This is one menace that refuses to let alone the residents of the city - monkeys attacking people even inside their houses or wrecking havoc on their property. On Friday only, a labourer lost his life in a bid to escape monkeys. The victim, identified as Mangal Prasad, slipped from the second floor of an under-construction building at CSMMU as monkeys chased him. He died on his way to hospital.

This wasn't first case of simian attack in the city. There have been several such incidents in the past. However, the authorities concerned do not have much to offer except mere promises. Areas like Dalibagh, Narhi, Sapru Marg, Paper Mill Colony, Eldeco Greens and most parts of Gomtinagar have, over the years, seen a rise in cases of monkey attack. The monkeys arrive in groups at any time of the day and uproot plants, take away clothes and at times even enter houses and raid rooms and kitchens.

This wasn't first case of simian attack in the city. There have been several such incidents in the past. However, the authorities concerned do not have much to offer except mere promises. Areas like Dalibagh, Narhi, Sapru Marg, Paper Mill Colony, Eldeco Greens and most parts of Gomtinagar have, over the years, seen a rise in cases of monkey attack. The monkeys arrive in groups at any time of the day and uproot plants, take away clothes and at times even enter houses and raid rooms and kitchens.

Of late, colonies on the city outskirts, like Krishna Nagar and Sarojini Nagar, have also started reporting incidents of monkey attacks. "Initially, just one or two monkeys were seen loitering around, but now they move in groups and destroy property or attack kids," said Jyoti Pal, a resident of Krishna Nagar.

Of late, colonies on the city outskirts, like Krishna Nagar and Sarojini Nagar, have also started reporting incidents of monkey attacks. "Initially, just one or two monkeys were seen loitering around, but now they move in groups and destroy property or attack kids," said Jyoti Pal, a resident of Krishna Nagar.

Earlier, winter season used to be a comparatively peaceful time for the residents of city areas. "In winters, monkeys would usually remain on tree tops, hiding behind thick trunks and leaves for a better part of the day. However, for the past couple of years, even winters are no different," said Sunita Singh, a housewife residing in Vishwas Khand, Gomtinagar.

...... it is now obvious that monkeys are on the path back to ruling this world and I for one are ready to welcome our new monkey overlords

Okay so a new business idea

Okay so a new business idea..."Therapeutic Porn" - designed to get your blood flowing and then repeat.... paid for by medicare...nice

Swedish Sailor Remembers Grog Forgets Wife

NEWS:
A Swedish sailor caused a major sea rescue search today after reporting that his wife fell overboard. Luckily for the wife the police discovered that he had forgotten to take her on the trip, Sweden's English-language news website The Local reported today.

The man sounded the alarm as he sailed near Kalmar, off the southern coast of Sweden, believing that his wife had fallen overboard and drowned.

When rescuers arrived, they found the sailor drifting with a broken tiller, and no sign of his wife. After starting a search, police discovered that the woman was never on the boat and she was subsequently located safe on shore.... Waiting for her husband.

The man was towed back to the dock, where he failed a Breathalyzer test, and was promptly charged with boating while intoxicated.

Teasing Mum

I frequently find myself being a jerk... Recently my mum has become the target of my jerkiness...Growing up I recall many basic rules I now enjoy calling my mum and breaking them over the phone

I can do four or five in one sentence...
"Yes mum everything is good, just sitting here eating cookies really close to the TV ruining my appetite, while I pat the cat backwards and think about playing with matches."

then after a few minutes when the conversation returns to normal

"You know I was just thinking this morning, right before I put on dirty underwear and played in the traffic. that maybe I should take up smoking"

Then I like to say I love you and finish with something like...
"Oh yeah, this afternoon I left the fridge door open and went out for a while. Then later tonight I am going to try to hook up with a girl I have no feelings for at all, oh and I will probably be treating her pretty shabby"

Perth Teen Wastes Pizza ....

Not that long ago, young guys being jerks to friends or wanting to annoy a teacher, neighbour or just fill in the gap between videos on a Saturday night would gain some amusement from sending a large number of taxis, and an array of home delivery food to the target of their evil. Eventually you got lazier and realised that if you opened your curtains and carried out your ... evil on a neighbour across the road you got better value for your pranking and didn't have to go running down the street to watch....or pause the video.

Sometimes later at night and if the right movie had been watched a trip to the late night deli might see $3 rolls of toilet paper used to adorn the house of a wayward mate.

Back in those simple days there were few rules to mateship and pranking but basically the two key ones were;
1. No Police
2. No one gets hurt
Then a third rule became very important....
3. No one goes nude. You see it was frequently discovered that nudity tended to result in the effectiveness of rules 1 and 2 being impaired.

My friends then discovered value in a rule 4...

4. No pranking girls. There were several good reasons for rule 4. Initially it seemed at the time to help with rule 3 and then because if you broke rule 4 frequently, rules 1 and 2 tended to raise their ugly judgemental heads.

Later on ... our individual learning experiences, collectively caused us to believe that if you wished really hard, followed rules 1 through 4 and with a little luck..... and if you treated them in a very special non mate way... you may just get to see a girl... nude. (With said girls knowledge).

Though never a 'stalker-ish' guy, who is to say what a bunch of idiot mates, with a Commodore 64 may have.... eventually achieved. Thankfully the Internet was in an embryonic stage during my adolescence. No such luck for a teenager from Perth's eastern suburb of Stratton.

He has had his three computers and a Xbox 360 seized for allegedly stalking a girl in the US with threatening texts, emails, and weird 'gifts' including a home delivery pizza.

West Australian police officers raided the 17-year-old boy's home after they were tipped off by Wisconsin police, who tracked the boy down through the IP address of a computer used to order a pizza and have it delivered to the 14-year-old girl's home.

The girl was first contacted by the boy after he saw a YouTube video she posted, authorities said.

They maintained a friendship via Facebook and email for 18 months, but in November last year his behaviour became a concern and in one exchange he allegedly claimed he was "in an open marriage" with her.

Looking back if 15 year old me was to dirty dance his way forward in time to today I think that after some angst and time a revised set of rules would see;

1. No Police. (Solid rule)
2. No one gets hurt. (We have some fine hospitals - not critical)
3. No one goes nude. (We have some fine hospitals - not critical)
4. No pranking girls. (add "that you might like to see nude")
5. Set caller ID to 'Anonymous'
5. Find a good web-proxy service.
6. At a pinch throw a virtual sheep at the girl... and keep the pizza.

Jon Bon Jovi's Porn Movie?

A lot has been written about struggling actors and actresses and the films that they did in the early years to survive. Including Sylvester Stallone, Cameron Diaz and Jackie Chan a lot of actors have done a lot of things until they made it big...

The question I was thinking was "What do musicians do?"... what is a musician's porn survival plan... the worst case scenario... what they do just to survive ...(and then say) "It is art."

I thought that I may have found it in this Youtube clip of Jon Bon Jovi, singing a Christmas duet with R2D2! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUFZklIOFvg but I was so wrong... this is so much worse.

Me, the MT and Today's Plankers

With the death of a 20 year old in Brisbane last week Planking was thrust into the public eye and was soon at fever pitch. At the end of the week planking had resulted in the sacking or discipline of workers from Santos, Woolworth's and MacDonald's and a Facebook page with 100,000 followers.

Welcome to the world of planking the rules are simple:

Lie face down.

Palms flat against your sides.

Feet together and pointing at the floor.

You must, of course, have somebody take a photo. Without a photo, you're just a jerk that has been somewhere stupid or famous.

Planking has been going on for quite some time now. I have a friend that backpacked through India many years ago and spent a night with Mother Teresa and a group of locals. It turns out Mother Teressa was an incredibly planker. Apparently she was so small and stiff she could be wedged almost anywhere. By the end of the night she would invariably find herself in the most precarious positions and would fill the room with a compulsive laughter.

Likewise, I too am an old skooler when it comes to planking. Like the MT around my neighborhood we had our own rules and equipment. Quite simple really a 1/2 carton of beer, a couch & remote or footpath and gutter. Now I fear my planking days are numbered, with the arrival of a new young era of competitor and an ever increasing range of performance enhancing beers.

The major difference between us 'old skoolers' and today's competitor being the rule change that saw the need for photo’s. Previously we worked on the honour system, or at a pinch relied on police stills from CCTV prevalent in entertainment precincts.

Recently I noticed a disturbing new trend as the sport catches on with family pets. Having returned from the vets I found our cat planking with her head in her food bowl, though with no photo she is just a jerk.

In summary, for a person that grew up, graduating high school in the mid 80's planking seems like a tame activity. When I was young the bad kids were all smoking, doing drugs, stealing cars and working on advancing their life of crime. Now with the bad kids lying still and pretending to be wood.. they should be a lot easier to catch…..

Is it wrong to be jealous of your cat?

Damn you cat.... you get to treat people exactly as you like. It gets to be obnoxious with everyone.... and its expected of her even though her life of luxury is reliant on us. So fricken jealous...

D'oh.... The Window

So the bad news is that the neighbour has put up something to obscure his window...Hmmm now having been possibly caught, I feel a little icky....Hmmmm a toasted sandwich will cure that!

I Waited as Long as I Could....

But ...come on! Osama had porn...

MTV Picks 'Best Tweet Of The Year'

MTV recently named its "best tweet of the year" the award goes to Kanye West, whose tweets have been have been paired with New Yorker cartoons.

Kanye's winning tweet? "I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle."

Other contenders from Kanye West include, "dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes" and "I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh."

My Mum was Right, I am a Nice Guy.

There was an incident one night during the week that I feel a need to get off my chest for it very nearly saw a particularly good toasted chicken and Jarlsberg cheese sandwich sacrificed …. all in the name of neighbourhood courtesy

Before I go further, it is important to understand that I am not a hero, nor leader. I seek neither recognition nor reward. I am however every bit a thoughtful man. I go out of my way to let those around me go about their life without interruption. Though I seek no acknowledgement, I do like people to know the caring nature of my disposition.

It was around 10pm when I found myself in the kitchen getting a late night snack Now our kitchen has a side window which looks down through the window of the adjoining house’s basement, which has been taken over by the neighbour’s 20 yo son and I was definitely gazing at him getting lunged at by his slightly dressed young girl friend.

Given the choice of leaving with a great sandwich, poorly cooked or frightening off the young girlfriend, I went a different way, I switched the light off .....and ......kept watching.

It wouldn’t be right for the couple to feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t their fault that my elevated position had circumvented their privacy screen.

I watched only while waiting for the sandwich and while I took no real notes I don’t believe that the young couple has any reason to be ashamed.

Now on relaying this story during the week to friends, colleagues and several strangers on a wine tasting tour… there appeared to be an initial belief that possibly, I had been less than a gentleman.

However I was all gentleman and more. If I had given up on the sandwich it would have put pressure on the lad and given my loss would have resulted in me feeling awkward and hostile the next time we spoke. If I had left the light on and compromised the guys night with the girl it would have made me feel bad thus diminishing the value of my snack.

Given those choices and given that I risked the sandwich by cooking it in the dark I now have the overwhelming feeling that my mum was right, I am a nice guy.

Mr Blogger are You a Bit of a Jerk....?

So last night it all happened for me, I made two posts. One of them about the Perth Entertainment Centre was actually not bad... it was spell checked...I found no particular reason to use abusive language... and it had humour. The second piece was on The Giant Pink Guy.... a must read story of intrigue.

Well they both disappeared during an overnight spell of maintenance by Blogger.

The worst thing is I fear I actually peaked last night. Not just on Blogger, I mean my life... huh I really should back up.... Well that was the one night I shined brightly... No one saw it, then I was deleted.

Perth Entertainment Centre

Today marks the start of the demolition of the 35 year old Perth Entertainment Centre. Though it is likely that the wheels have been in motion to demolish this evil building since 1979.

You see this building loved by many had one very dark, dark day.

On Friday the 20Th of July 1979 representatives of eighty nations gathered in Perth for the final of the Miss Universe Competition. Bob Barker crowned the winner, a first for her nation, 18 year old Miss Venezuela, Maritza Sayalero.

Here we take a particularly dark turn and Perth makes headlines around the world... Just seconds after the crowning and the live feed to hundreds of millions of viewers had been severed, a crowd of people surged forward to congratulate Miss Venezuela.

Regretfully, the union labour built, plywood catwalk, was built to support exactly the weight of the host of Wheel of Fortune and 80 tiny women. As a result it failed, sending Bob, the eighty contestants, several spectators and a few international news media (not a complete disaster) crashing two metres to the floor.

The event was missed by the massive international audience as the live telecast had ended minutes before.

It is worth noting Perth has never been considered, nor sought to host the event since.

So Miss Venezuela, this demolition is for you.

The Giant Pink Guy

Some time ago I was a fortunate participant in one very, very, special day.

It was the day that Giant Pink Guy came into my life. Travelling between Perth and Fiji we stopped in Brisbane. I say we as I was accompanied by a gorgeous girl who was almost as excited as I was at the sight that stood before us.

For there in the queue in the middle of the huge floor of the Brisbane Airport was the biggest pinkest man I have ever seen. What I need you to know is that he was just so pink....Think highlighter pink....and think huge. He was 6"5" if he was an inch. He wore a singlet and he was pink. Not just any pink, but the pink that screams very, very, burnt English tourist. Or big man with soon to be spectacularly fatal heart disease.

Giant Pink Guy had such presence. I was and truly still am... mesmerised. This wonderful specimen of man truly deserved better than to find himself travelling Virgin Airlines. This adonis should have been tied to the deck of a ship and sailed into a harbour, King Kong style.

Now as every day goes on I have more and more questions. Why was he so very very pink? How many people at the airport having heard me gasp, stare and point subsequently looked and were as excited as me? Did Giant Pink Guy recover from his suntan? Is he still alive? Does he work as a super hero? How drunk was he when he looked in the mirror and decided to wear a singlet to the airport? Does he know how mirrors work? Where is he today and will he consider being my penpal...? My side kick, Barney to my Fred, Big Pink Robin to my Smug Caped Crusader? Who is this man?

There is just too much to say, too much going through my mind. I find the whole event so very compelling (Fiji was ok too). For me this was part religious awakening part destiny, he was just that pink. I know not whether he should be hunted or worshipped. Now all that is left is my need to find the right studio to bring this compelling adventure to the big screen.

Meh....What flu is supposed to kill me this year?

Every year it's something new... SARS, Bird Flu, Swine Flu... every year for as far back as I can remember it is something new. When I was in high school it was AIDS and HIV that was going to wipe out the Earthlings. Having seen the ad with 'Death' at the bowling alley I didn't sleep for a week, then I realised that I could just avoid going bowling. Logic of course prevailed and if I wanted to go bowling I just took condoms with me.

Pippa Middleton Nude?.....

Pippa Middelton ....
Called "The Star of The royal Wedding" and "Her Royal Hotness" Pippa Middleton certainly gave the headlines and photos extra ooomfff. Obviously, a gorgeous girl from a sweet family. Then it appeared that Pippa's image was in for destruction as internet rumours spread of "nude" Pippa photos. I was heart broken..... the sweet girl is just an act? Why... why did the world build the hopes up of all those young weird looking British guys.
Dear GOD WHY!!!!!!











Then this photo appeared.....
"oh no...it is so bad it had to be censored, ahhhh"
The world would fall into a burning pit if that photo was to come out uncensored...
















Oh..she is a nice girl having fun at a friends house and it summer... what? It's not an orgy?
Oh wait the picture was probably photoshopped to put clothes on her...you can always believe tabloids....

Skype is Blue... Lets Buy It

MICROSOFT today announced its plans to purchase internet phone service company Skype for $US8.5 billion in a move aimed at carving out a bigger presence in an online arena dominated by Google and Facebook. The acquisition is the largest ever by the US software giant.

"Skype is a phenomenal service that is loved by millions of people around the world," Microsoft chief executive Steve Ballmer said.

What the chief executive didnt say was that "this convienient purchase ensures the continued relevance of the Microsoft Blue Screen of Death as it matches the Skype colours very, very well."

So a Navy Seal swims into a compound......

The award for the Osama Tweet of the day has to go out to Stephen Colbert for this one.

"The hardest part about sending navy seals after Bin Laden must have been flooding the compound"

Colbert you are delightfully twisted.

White iPhone.....yay

I get it.... and the advertising was all it said and more. There is now a white iPhone..... it's like the black iPhone but white. Great ad....I should write ads, even dating ads.. stupid girl, could be a smart pretty girl....but no. Guy, not girl..... messier comes with beer.
Maybe a beer ad... beer like water but funnier......
Horse like a car less horse power....

Easter Bunnies Scare The Animals

A group of teens in Edinburgh have been knocked back from entering the zoo. The zoo worker in charge of entry believed that the 5 teens would "psychologically damage" the animals....
However being locked in a cage is just dandy. Me I would like to see the idiot humans pretending to be something I like to eat....it would break the day up.

You're going to shoot?

David Sanchez-Dominguez who was having a domestic dispute with his wife answered a question from her brother very consisely yesterday.

"(What)you're going to shoot? Right here," said now-deceased Roberto Corona, pointing to his chest. Corona was refusing to reveal the whereabouts of his sister to her husband, who had asked Corona several times before pointing his handgun at him. [Reno Journal, 2-18-2011]

I Found Love at Farmer Jack's

Okay, I will be perfectly honest, the picture above of this beautiful beast is not me and I have acquired the image from the Skinny Cow website www.theskinnycow.com.au
Why this sudden need for honesty? Well when you find true love, you want your relationship to move forward with an honest basis.
Recently strolling aimlessly through the Subiaco Farmer Jack's Supermarket I found myself staring at boxes of ice cream. Bored, not really sure what to buy, I picked up a pretty box and put it in my basket.
Having consumed all the contents, my girl friend, jealous that I had found true love before her, decided to find out what she could about my new love. So she turn to the back of the box....
We'll in your face! These ice creams taste great and have so little sugar or fat you almost get healthier by eating them!